Here’s a whine about a person who annoys me to the core of my existence. He is a person who represents everything I hate about the state of music today. He is…

That High-Pitched Obnoxious Poser Guy on American Idol

Yes, I know his name is Adam Lambert, but that is the first and last time I will write it in this post, as I don’t want to give him too much publicity. So I’d rather call him That High-Pitched Obnoxious Poser Guy. I think it’s a fitting title for someone who has the potential of single-handedly making my head explode from his “singing” alone.

Normally I like to accompany my posts with a photo. It helps to be able to visualize what I’m writing about. Not this time. I’d rather move to a small cabin in the middle of nowhere and never use the Internet again before I see a picture of this wannabe on my own Web site.

When I first heard That High-Pitched Obnoxious Poser Guy sing on this season of American Idol, I thought there was no way he would make it beyond the initial stages of the competition. Now, I’m afraid that he has the potential of not only making it to the final rounds but possibly even winning, which would put his banshee-like vocal stylings on every radio in the United States. And even though I don’t listen to the radio anymore, I’d still be forced to encounter his sonic torture when wandering through, say, a mall department store.

This is the problem with American Idol. Even if you don’t like or watch the show, it still makes an impact in your life. You will hear the winners’ songs. Over and over and over. No matter how much you try to avoid them. So the outcome of the show has an effect on each and every one of you reading this. Consider yourself warned.

Worse than That High-Pitched Obnoxious Poser Guy’s I’m-going-to-take-every-note-in-this-recognizable-song-and-unnecessarily-make-it-two-octaves-higher-almost-but-not-quite-reaching-the-frequency-of-a-dog-whistle-so-humans-can-still-hear-it style of singing is his obviously-fake appearance. The somewhat recent teenage popularity of a hairstyle that was once known as a comb-over for balding men has not escaped Mr. Poser Guy, though he has taken it to new levels of suck by dying his hair with what I can only assume is tar. He is also clearly getting his makeup done by a mortician, attempting to hide his corpse-like skin. I imagine that before he had his pre-Idol makeover, he looked like your average fast food burger-flipper and decided that image wouldn’t cut it, so he grabbed the nearest copy of OMG! Teen Beat magazine (which may or may not really exist) and created an image for himself based on some bizarre blend of the Jonas Brothers, Fallout Boy, and the chain-smoking woman in her 60s who sold him the magazine in the first place.

But in the end, I really don’t care what he looks like. It’s the combination of the shrill of his voice and the fact that people actually somehow like it that drives me nuts.

So please, for my sanity, don’t vote for That High-Pitched Obnoxious Poser Guy on American Idol and keep his “music” as far away from my ears as possible.