UPDATE 11/23/09: I received a letter from Flaster/Greenberg P.C., the attorneys who represent Ascentive, creators of FinallyFast.com, asking me to remove all video, screenshots, and “defamatory, false, and misleading” comments regarding their software. I’m not sure that any of my comments are misleading, but I went ahead and removed the imagery as it is technically copyrighted. I didn’t want to look at the people in that silly commercial anyway. Edited comments are in brackets below. Normally I wouldn’t censor my own opinions, but I haven’t actually used their product so I can’t honestly make any claims toward whether or not it really does anything useful. I’m leaning toward no, but who knows.

I’m going to keep it simple this week:
I HATE FINALLYFAST.COM’S COMMERCIAL

For those who haven’t seen it (or just want to endure the pain again), here you go:

[Video removed by Ascentive, creators of FinallyFast.com. They've spared you the agony of seeing it again.]

So what’s so horrid about this commercial? How about a top 5…

#5 That “kid” playing the video game on his laptop.

This “kid” who whines to his mom about his slow internet connection has got to be at least 20 years old. Beyond that, something just irks me about the way he says, “this game should be a lot, LOT faster.” Yeah, you should be a lot, LOT less obnoxious. I hope this guy got paid a lot (or at all) as he is now [likely] hated by millions.

#4 The blue screen of death on a MacBook.

Should anyone be buying software from a company that shows this classic Windows fault on an Apple machine? Yes, I realize that it’s possible to run Windows on a MacBook but the people who know how to do that don’t need this [seemingly] worthless [software] to “fix” their machines.

#3 PC ONLY.

As if the blue screen of death wasn’t enough, check out the fine print in this commercial: Finallyfast.com is for PC Computers only. Ignoring the fact that they essentially wrote “Personal Computers Computers” in that sentence, why did they use Apple computers in the commercial if their software is for Windows only? Oh yeah, because they [probably] think that only morons buy their software.

#2 Added keywords to try to connect with viewers.

It’s as if this commercial were trying to be optimized to return good Google search rankings. It’s packed with keywords like adware, spyware, registry, and RAM. And to top it all off, it says this [potentially] lame software will speed your computer up ”even while watching video!” reminding viewers that the only important reason for having a fast computer and internet connection is to watch YouTube.

#1 “Hey, my computer’s fast – finally! FinallyFast.com!”

Somehow this guy reminds me of Steve from Nickelodeon’s Blue’s Clues. I think it’s the way that he’s talking to viewers as if Nickelodeon and FinallyFast.com have the same target audience: 2-year-olds, or at least viewers with the same mental capacity as 2-year-olds. Could you possibly say “FinallyFast.com” a few more times in your indigestion-inducing commercial?

So here’s a closing request to all television network owners out there:

Stop accepting money from these [people] and get this [obnoxious commercial] off the air. Thank you.

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